FORMER defence secretary Bob Ainsworth was today accused of backing the legalisation of drugs so that he can feed his insatiable desire for psychedelic freak-outs.
Ainsworth became defence secretary just so he could get his hands on cheap Afghan smack
Ainsworth, who oversaw drugs policy under Tony Blair, said the war on drugs was unwinnable because, you know, it was his job to think about that kind of stuff.
Sighing heavily, he added: "Do I really have to explain this?
"Okay. I used to work in a big building in London where there were lots of people who knew about drugs and I would have meetings with them and actually listen to all the different things they were saying to me. And that's pretty much it."
But Ainsworth was immediately dismissed by his Tory successors at the Home Office who claimed he was a typical LSD fiend, hungry for his next freaky trip.
Crime prevention minister, James Brokenshire, said: "Look at his moustache and his Woolworths spectacles. He loves drugs.
"In fact I would go so far as to say that his choice of tie demonstrates that he is clearly mashed off his big hippy tits. Probably on funky mushrooms."
He added: "Keep well away from him as he will try and coax you into his camper van and offer to paint swirly patterns on your belly."
Mr Brokenshire then described decriminalisation as a 'simplistic solution that fails to recognise the complexity of the problem' before drifting off the subject and staring at his feet until he suddenly pointed towards the window and screamed 'OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?' and ran out of the room.